Monday, July 28, 2014

Come home safe

I could tell you that I feel as though someone has carved my insides out because I miss him much, or, I could tell you of how I feel as though I have been given a gift of extra strength to cope with him being away.

I could tell you that my eldest boy cries for him and says that he is going to buy an aeroplane ticket so that he can fly himself to the Ukraine or I could tell you that mostly he's still laughing, happily playing trains and building miniature gardens.

I could tell you that I was almost overcome with a flood of tears in the shower this morning, but then I would go on to tell you that I was too busy to cry because I needed to explain the symbols on the crocodile bath mat to a little person.

I could tell you that I am sick of phone calls during the witching hour to ask how I'm coping or I could tell you that I am amazed that everyone is so thoughtful.

I could tell of how some moments I feel like a shell of a person; raw and exposed. I could tell you that at other moments I feel like a superhuman warrior.

I could tell you that this experience has helped me believe that I can hold the fort if I have to but that we all still need him here in so many ways.

I could tell you that I am proud of what he is doing, that it is necessary and that some people's family and friends aren't ever coming home from this tragedy, or I could be selfish and say that I need him home to do the washing up and feed the chickens and and and...

I could tell you how there feels like such a hole at the dinner table when he's not there for the evening meal, or, I could choose to tell you that we light a candle and put in at his place each night to light his way home.

Thursday, December 19, 2013


This time last year the backyard was but a pile of dirt. The fence separated the house block from the wider paddock but within it there was merely dug-up soil left over from the house cut. The courtyard wasn't finished and I was ringing the paver almost daily to try and get him out here to create a useable outside area before the new baby was to arrive. The vegetable garden was thriving but it required a walk across the dust to get to it and each bed was surrounded by high grass so the fear of snakes was real.

But there was a plan.

One year on and after a lot of hard work we can really be out there to enjoy it. Albeit in the very early, or late hours of the day. This morning the boys and I potted around in the grass; watering and watching, Declan trying to eat stones, Johan asking to have a bath in the watering can. I can actually peg clothes on the line now and they won't get dirtier from being outside!

Hopefully one year on from now we might be able to be out there a little more. It's just a matter of waiting patiently for the trees to grow up. And the plan is to save for a trampoline so that the two energiser bunnies can expend some of their stores. (Although I might have a sneaky jump on it myself).

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


During the 7pm news last night, ABC's London Correspondent showed the reactions of several Londoner's to English getting beaten by Australia in the cricket. But rather than listening to the responses, I was suddenly sucked into the background of the image on the streets of London. 4am, dark skies, cold air, noisy buses, people rushing to their offices. Rather than feeling a sense of excitement and wonder, I was transported to a scene of early alarm clocks, stress and hurry. Could it be that some of these people would leave their home before dawn, spend the day in front of a computer and arrive home in the dark? And not through choice, but necessity to feed their families and keep their jobs?

I thought about my day here- slow, unplanned, messy, fun, light-filled (perhaps almost too bright- the Australian sun can be blinding). It might not always be this way, but at the moment, these really are proving to be "the good old days".

Monday, October 28, 2013


I watched you make your may across the room tonight; steadily, mechanically, purposefully. I was surprised when I realised what was happening and stared as I wondered how this little bundle that I gave birth to only earlier this year was now able to get himself around. You've finally figured it out and i'm thrilled for you that the frustration is over. New worlds await you little one.

Monday, October 14, 2013


"And though I may not be able to recall every single moment, they are all there, locked away in my heart and woven into my ever-expanding love for this son of mine". Pink Ronnie

Thursday, September 26, 2013


So tonight during the kids' bath time I was blaring on about the possibility of having a baby and completely freaking out my husband of course, when I was dutifully reminded that I do in fact already have a baby right now. He was, at 6:30 this evening, in my arms, having a wash. He's not even one yet. Hmmmm. This is the truth.

It's a really good reminder to enjoy every moment with the little fella. I'm lucky that I get to stay home with my two little people everyday so I'd better make the most of it.

Little Declan, you are really starting to let your gregarious, affable little personality show and I love you so much...those eyes, that hair, that happy smile when you wake from your sleep, the babbling to join in with the family conversation and the all-time cutest thing; your excitement shown by slapping the front deck when you were lying out there on your tummy yesterday and realised that it was Daddy driving along the road then into the driveway. We love you.

Friday, August 30, 2013


Thank goodness for you, mum. What on earth would we do without you?